Today...

... is a bad day. I feel like such a failure. I can't quit smoking. I try, but I lack willpower or whatever it is that it takes to kick this habit? I rationalized that I am smoking less, which is true, but less isn't enough. This habit will kill me and I don't seem to care enough to stop.

I could blame the physical pain I'm suffering with my back, but that wouldn't be right because I couldn't quit the three times before when I tried and there wasn't any pain. No, the pain may make it harder, but the reality is I won't give this vile, socially despicable, unhealthy habit up and I don't know why?

Thousands of people have managed to quit worldwide. People that have had the habit a long time and were just has addicted as I am. What is wrong with me? I want to quit.

I hate the looks I get when people find out I smoke. I don't want or need their condescending or pitying glances. I am not a monster or deviant let out of jail by a misshapen justice system. Yet, I'm left to feel like one.

But never mind those "charming" folks. I WANT to quit before my health suffers to the point that it's too late.

I will try again and hope the next time works. I am so tired of feeling like a failure...Yes...

today is a bad day.

To Plan or Not to Plan

I like to plan. I like the whole process from setting the goals, developing the action steps,implementing the plan through to the follow up. Well, maybe not the follow up because plans have a way of going awry, but man it's nice when it all works out. I love it when the plan comes together, even if it only happens rarely.

Yes, I'm a planner and have always been one. No spontaneity for me, no sirree, that's only for the immature, irresponsible souls that us planners must work around. Give me a good plan any day and I'll feel so much better.

Pish Posh!!

Planning just may be highly overrated. It is true that most plans rarely work out as planned so, why bother?? Too prevent chaos, disorder, accidents or mishaps?

Chaos typically means a state lacking order or predictability.
Disorder is to be thrown into confusion or disarray.
Accident is an undesirable or unfortunate happening that occurs unintentionally and usually results in harm, injury, damage, or loss; casualty; a mishap.

Honestly, all these are defined as unknown, unforeseen and impossible to predict so, please tell me how I can plan away what I can't predict?? Well, I can't plan away the unknown, but I can plan around the expected and hope nothing out of the ordinary happens. I do this all the time; as do all planners. It makes us feel better, more in control and less vulnerable. It works for us planners until we realize (as I have) that when all the false veneers are stripped away and you get to the truth of it; we really have little, if any real control, anyway.

So what of my planning? Should I throw caution to the wind and just fly by the seat of my pants? I don't think that would be wise. Can one partially plan? Or plan part-time?

I found the following bible verse regarding planning:

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Would it be reasonable to say that this means to take our plans to God, trust Him to lead us and regardless of any unforeseen obstacle, He can and will make it all turn out for our good? Uhmmm....trust God to work out our future; isn't that an interesting concept? Perhaps here is my answer to planning....

Today is a Good Day

Now that I know it's going to be at least another year or more before I get surgery for my back I've decided I need to move on with my life. I've been on hold for almost a year waiting to see what will happen next. I am so very tired of letting my physical limitations and pain rule my plans. I really feel as if the pain has taken control, but no more!

Today I begin to make plans for myself that obviously have to take this disability into account, but it doesn't have to own my plans. Because my back is in such bad condition I'm going to assume that even after surgery I won't be able to return to my homecare job and I'll still have certain physical limits. With this in mind, I'll make my plans.

I will be 55 this year and although not young any longer, I don't feel ready for a rocking chair either. I have good friends and a wonderful family who do fill my time with activities, but I want to pursue more than just a social life.

Being older also, causes me to be painfully aware of the time I've already wasted or thrown away waiting for that ideal time to chase my dreams. I realize now there is no ideal time, no perfect moment or guarantees.

So, my first task is to reevaluate my lifelong goals and decide what I want to follow now that I'm in my mid-life. I'm certain there will be changes and updates as I'm not the same gal I once was when younger. I'll set about doing some serious soul searching and dusting off of old dreams.

It's been a long time since I earnestly thought about what I want to leave behind when I'm gone, but I don't want to just be here and take up space. The pain and disability may limit some of what I do or how I do it, but as Oprah says, I want to live my best life. So, today is a good day to begin.

He is Risen

Today marks the day when Jesus conquered death for all mankind! I believe this because I believe God created all there is and gave His son to us for a ransom so there'll never be a need for blood sacrifices again. I'm so grateful for this because no matter how I try to be like Jesus, I fail time and time again.

Trouble is I have such a hard time wrapping my mind around the whole idea of Christ giving His life for us (me)? Why didn't God just wipe us off the planet and start over? It has to be love. What else could've kept Him from doing it? But what kind of love is it that gives their child as a blood sacrifice? Mankind doesn't seem worth it.

I try to imagine what and who would prompt me to sacrifice one of my daughters? I don't have that kind of love. I feel guilty because I feel so undeserving. I wish I could lead a life that was notable enough to be called a child of God; worthy of His love. But then I wouldn't need Christ's sacrifice, right?

So, I pray for growth and I do feel something is changing in my life. God is doing a work and although I have no idea where it will go or what will be asked of me; I am willing. I need to get quiet and listen for that still, small voice. I am grateful for God's sacrifice and I pray this Easter I have an awakening. Amen

Day Three...

Just to let you know that I made it through another smoke-free day. This time seems to be going much better than the three previous times I've tried to quit smoking. Perhaps the two weeks I spent getting prepared helped? Also, I really want to be free from this habit for more reasons than just health. I can see my new kitchen coming soon!! I'm grateful God is on my side with this challenge and I pray every day for the strength to beat this addiction. It isn't easy but,the pain in my back and leg is a real distraction from the pain of wanting a cigarette. This may actually be helping me stay away from the cigarettes as I don't feel that well anyway and don't want to feel worse. Who would have thought there might be a positive side to chronic pain??

Anyway, onward and upward as I continue on this journey to freedom. It's only just begun so, I won't get cocky. Tomorrow is yet another day. I suspect I'll have this beat when I stop counting the days and who knows when that might be....

Day One...

On my first day becoming smoke-free I went to the city with Hubby because I had to buy a walker. For those that don't know; my back is worn out, finished, over, done, ka-put! I need surgery but, will have to wait for at least a year and likely longer. In the meantime, the walker will help me get around. Being disabled and in so much pain has been quite an adjustment, but getting a walker has taken quite a mental chunk out of me. Going smoke-free at the same time has helped distract me.

Overall, my day with Hubby went quite well. I brought a bag of popcorn to munch on, gum to chew and a magazine to read. The cravings came and went throughout the day as I expected, but it wasn't until later after we got home and I was tired and especially hurting where it got harder.

I went shopping for Easter with my daughters which probably wasn't such a bright idea as they still smoke. I admit later in the evening I stole a couple of puffs off a cigarette! Agh! My first cheat!

Initially I felt really guilty. Here I'd gone all day then fell into temptation at the end of the day. Oh well, it's bound to happen and I won't spend any time or energy fretting about it. I was really tired and hurting; a moment of weakness. Not that I'll use those excuses, but it won't help beating myself up should I slip.

I got right back to it and spent the rest of my evening smoke-free. This slip doesn't constitute failure it just reveals an Achille's heel. One I'll have to fortify against because other people still smoke and I'm guaranteed to be around them. I don't expect the world to quit because I'm trying.

So there you have it; my first almost, not quite smoke-free day. Now to deal with having to use a walker. Agh!!!!

Freedom Challenge Begins

Today I butt out after 40 years of smoking. Agh! This will be a great challenge, but one I'm determined to win because it's not just about quiting a bad habit; it's about being free of any chains that hold me down. It's just the beginning.

I've spent a lifetime held back by various bad habits, excuses and fears. When I was young I had so many dreams of how my life would turn out; as most young people do, but age and experience quickly taught me that much of what I thought possible wasn't going to happen (we make our plans and God laughs). However, in my case I let too many things interrupt what might have been.

Now I'm middle-aged and realize that some of those dreams are past and it's too late, but what of those that may be still hopeful? What of new dreams that I can conjure up now? Being my age and disabled has created a new mind-set and spirit within myself. I want to reach out and grasp all I am able to while I still can. I have to accept that my life can never be quite what it use to be and maybe, just maybe, that's a blessing?

Giving up smoking will undoubtably lengthen my life and make me feel healthier, but more importantly I hope it strengthens me to not resign myself to a life of disablity and depression but, opens my spirit to a life of possiblity. What satan means for our harm; God can use for our good. Now is my time and I pray that I can beat this addiction with God's help.

I expect it will be a tough road to travel in the beginning, but I'm more prepared and more determined than I've ever been. I'll keep you posted on this journey and together we'll see where it takes me. Pray for me...