Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Hope Renewed

Weary I and

in despair

these tattered remnants

of my soul.

My heart torn and

ripped apart

my life a quilt of

patched up dreams.

Yet in among the

rags and scraps.

I found a needle

a single spool.

A button

A bow

A piece of wool.

Dear Lord,

before I know

I find a pattern

and begin to sew.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

As I Roll On...

The days go by as I try to manage pain that never quite goes away. My back disability has certainly challenged my life. I know there's a "God Plan" in all this; I just don't know what it is? What I do know is my life has been turned upside down and inside out for over a year now and it doesn't look like anything will change in the near future.

It's been a roller coaster ride between desperate despair and hopeful optimism. Many times I've questioned God has to the reasons or what He wants from me. I haven't found any satisfying answers; so I roll on.

I believe all things that happen in life produce consequences. Whether the results are good or bad depends entirely on how I react to any given situation. I can't always control what occurs; I can control how I respond. Out of that comes the consequence... So, how best to respond to this situation??

I have to admit that I haven't responded entirely positive to this disability. On the 10th of this month I've been unable to work for one year. I can't believe a whole year has flown by? It's been difficult on all my loved ones. As I indicated, I roll between doing well and not so well. It has directly affected my family, especially Hubby. This experience goes far beyond changing my life but, has also redefined my marriage as well.

I doubt the average person has any idea how a disability can disrupt an individual, a family and a marriage. Plans that once were in place have to be changed, activities once enjoyed either can't be done anymore or have to be adapted to the disability. Emotional responses are affected and everyone has to deal with extremes in behavior until acceptance of limitations is complete. There is no way to prepare for these changes because they are unpredictable and unexpected.

Nevertheless, whether I understand why this has happened to me or not, I want to do my utmost to grow from this situation and become a better person. All my beliefs are being challenged and I'm having to look deep inside for answers. I have to trust God as I blindly roll with the punches. Out of this situation I can become stronger, more directed and on a new course. Sometimes we must be thrown from horse not to get back on the same one, but to change horses.