A Brick Wall

I attended church today and the entire experience was extremely eye-opening and disturbing. It caused me to truly reflect on where I am at this time in my life and be absolutely honest about my behaviors and attitudes. I wasn't especially pleased with myself.

To provide some short back story I need to go back 3 years to when I initially hurt my back at work. I was able to work through the pain for almost a year, but finally in 2009, I had to go on disability. It was very difficult emotionally to accept the diagnosis that my back was badly injured and I may never be able to return to work.

As the pain worsened and my wait time for surgery seemed to take forever, my emotional and physical state deteriorated. I tried hard to maintain my faith and keep an upbeat attitude, but in truth I've been losing the battle. It would be safe to say I have felt defeated and depressed much of the time.

Although understandable and even, excusable, I have complained and whined repeatedly to God and my prayers have become very self-serving and self-centered. I knew that this was happening to me, but until I attended church this week, I justified my attitude and behavior as "only reasonable" given my circumstances. Then, God hit me with a brick wall.

I serve a kind and merciful God, so He has been whispering and showing me for quite awhile that my selfishness was hurting me more than my back condition. In His compassion, God wanted me to wake up and take control of my attitude, actions and ultimately my life. I resisted because I felt unfairly treated and my prayers were not being answered in the way I desired. How could God ask me to care about others when I was suffering so much? I conveniently ignored how Jesus suffered for me, because of me. Until church...

The first slam was when a woman with her family came for the service and gave witness and glory to God for allowing her more time to live. The miracle of a new drug that slowed the advancement of the lung cancer that was killing her. It was an answer to prayer for her and all she had asked was the opportunity to receive more time with her family. Up until this drug discovery, the spread of cancer had been rapid and vicious. She was so happy she almost glowed. I felt like the heel I deserved to feel. How could I be so ungrateful and bitter when except for an injured back, my life wasn't threatened or in any peril?

The second sting to my poor, self-serving ego was the sermon itself. It was about the first century Christians and how they prayed. They prayed with boldness and vision to help the world and asked God to continue leading them with increased boldness and sensitivity to the needs of others. Not much like my prayers which were primarily selfish, whining and totally one-sided.

Boldness! How could I boldly ask God to use me? He may ask me to think outside my little box and pray in larger terms than just my own needs. (Except, of course, the token family and friend prayers, so I could get back to my requests without guilt.) This sermon seemed harsh and hard-hitting. I felt the twinge of guilt surfacing and I couldn't find any excuse to justify myself; especially after that dear lady"s testimony.

Both incidences have filled me with such guilt and remorse for having wasted such valuable time attending a pity party for 2 years. How could I've ignored all the subtle messages God gave me? How could I be so blind? Well, it may have taken a brick wall, but I couldn't ignore the message any longer.

Although I do need some time to process all the rush of emotions I'm feeling, I did take the plunge and ask for God's forgiveness and His guidance in being a true, first century christian and practice what I preach. It will be a journey, but if I give myself whole-hearted to God, I may glow one day myself.

Amen to that!

Better than a Rest

If you've read my blog before you will notice that I have changed the overall look of it. Why? Well, I'd like to say I did it for ingeniously, inspired reasons, but in truth I was just bored with the old look and wanted something new.

I have had and probably always will have; a short attention span. Today,I believe, it's called Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD. I guess my way could be SAS or perhaps, ASS for Attention Sadly Sucks! Whatever... I wanted something fresh and new!

Part of the reason I wanted a new look is that I am going to attempt to take my blogging pastime to a new level. I would like to build up a regular audience and offer what I hope will be more attention-grabbing and appealing text.

This, of course, will demand a real commitment from me and with having SAS or ASS could be a real challenge! But, I am going to give it a honest-to-goodness, grassroots try. I know the secret to any success lies in the willingness to stay with it and give it your best. So...here goes nothing. I will give it my best and hope for the best.

So, if you happen to stumble upon this blog and it piques your curiosity please feel free to come back and see where this takes us. I believe that deep down at the very core of each of us is a wondering about the fundamental meaning of life. I don't promise any answers, but perhaps, I might be able to spark some discussion which, may lead myself or you to some alternative notions. Or maybe we'll just confuse ourselves more...who knows?

Here's hoping to hear from you soon!

Rolling with Change

Have you ever had a time when your life was undergoing a major change and you have NO idea on the outcome? If you're over the age of 20 you've had this happen on some level whether it's going off to college, moving away, starting a new job or getting married. Life is about change; nothing remains static, but does it ever get any EASIER?

Apparently not! Here I am in my mid-fifties and our life is about to take a major turn. It isn't necessary to go into the gory details because what concerns me isn't what the change is, but rather how my hubby and I are going to adapt to it.

Up until 2 years ago, I'd grown complacent about our life journey and it's outcome. I had a plan that would take me to retirement and then another plan that would carry us through retirement. It was nothing earth-shattering and I fully expected it would move along with few hitches on the way. Boy, was I wrong!

We've had our share of life's upsets and surprises. Each time we've been faithful and adapted to the changes, but this time I feel so much more vulnerable. Part of it is my physical condition. Having a disability and being in constant pain makes adapting very difficult. I haven't even adjusted to the idea that I may never be able to go back to my old job. More change just feels overwhelming and I have to admit to feeling a lack of faithfulness in the outcome.

But then my rational mind kicks in and I realize life offers no warranties at any time. Just because I had a plan doesn't mean it will see fruition. Change is necessary for growth and no doubt these changes we're undergoing are happening because we need growth. I need to do what I've always done in the past; trust that God is in the middle of these changes and He is enough.

It seems change is a constant and necessary part of life and depending how we roll with it makes it easier or harder. I may feel overwhelmed by all the changes we are undergoing, but I can choose to rest in the knowledge there is someone at the helm or I can try to take over. These are my choices. Resting seems the easier approach so, that's how I'll choose to roll.

Update

Just a brief post to fill you in on how my exercising is going. I was Steady Eddy last week and managed to do my `thang` every day. It was PAINFUL, but I must admit I did feel somewhat better afterward. I mostly noticed my energy levels immediately jumped up a notch or two. So I went from coma level to semi-conscious! Yea!

Sadly I missed 3 days in a row and now feel like I`m starting over. DRAT!! Why does it take so little to lose all you`ve gained. So, after a short pause, I`ll dive back in and will not get defeated! Big talk, eh.

Nevertheless, I found several new exercises on a spine rehab website that may be beneficial (assuming they don`t kill me in the process!). It mixes things up and hopefully helps keep me going. It isn`t easy to find just the right kind of exercises that will get me fit, but won`t exacerbate the back injury.

More importantly is discovering a way to keep mentally fit. Trust me when you hurt like HE double hockey sticks BEFORE you even start exercising and you know it`s going to hurt even more during the session; the temptation is to crawl back into bed! The mental effort may exceed the physical. Still I`m determined to find a way to live well with this disability, painful or not. So, I`ll sign off with a cheery ``later alligator,after awhile crocodile``!!


Pain is no evil unless it conquers us.
George Eliot