I've wasted too much time mourning the past and wishing I could have a do-over. This would be nice and most of us would take advantage of a chance to "fix" what we perceive as wrongdoings from our past. But then I suddenly realized that if I were able to change things I may do more harm than good.
More harm by fixing things? Really?
I believe that God is ultimately in charge of all things, including me. At least, that what I say...but in reality I have been a control freak all my life. (I just recently admitted to this shortcoming) If I felt I was in control, then how could God be in control, too? Impossible!
Well, not really impossible. God just let me think I was in charge. He did give us freewill after all. So, let's just say that while I was freely making my own choices, he was sitting back allowing me to have my way. This is much like a parent does with their child. We warn, advise and direct our children about many things, but often when they refuse to be directed we just allow them to discover we were right. Suffice it to say, God let me do as I wanted when I refused to be directed.
God knew the mistakes I would make and the regrets I would have because of them. In each mistake I learned a lesson and eventually came to place where I know now my Heavenly Father really is wiser than I. Ah! Doesn't this sound familiar when adult children suddenly realize their parents were smarter than they thought?
God in his infinite wisdom lets his children run amok when they refuse to listen knowing that eventually most of us will grow up and realize his ways are the right ways. He loves us enough to allow us to have freewill.
So no do-overs allowed! But many lessons learned...
I am NOT in control!
What a relief!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
This has gone on long enough
I live with chronic pain caused by osteo-arthritis and a back condition that requires surgery in order to be fixed. I've been in pain 24/7 for over 2 years waiting for this surgery. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I remember when I was young and pregnant. Toward the end of the nine months I felt so heavy and uncomfortable in my body that I thought it might drive me mad. That lasted only 2 or 3 months and it wasn't painful, just very uncomfortable. If I'd only known how easy that was compared to now, I wouldn't have complained. It is all relative.
I am sure there are states of being even worse than I feel now; I just hope they are very brief because living with pain that is constant and unending is hard to describe. Imagine having a toothache for two years that flairs up into worse pain at least once and usually twice a day? Imagine trying to sleep with this pain? Or function normally? Try putting on a happy face before family and friends because you don't want to be a constant burden to them and there is nothing they can do anyway. It is a tough act to carry off.
The worst of it all has to be the lack of compassion you receive from the medical profession. It isn't an emergency so, no one seems to care. What have we come to as a society when we seem unable to respond with concern to a chronic problem? There are millions of folks just like me who live in incessant pain, but aren't bleeding to death or suffering a severe trauma. It seems we can wait at the bottom of the list for medical care.
I am so tired of hearing about long wait lines, lack of surgeons, shortage of bed space and no operating rooms. Do something about it! Hire more surgeons, open more hospitals! Quit wasting money on deco art and trips to the Caribbean! Get rid of superfluous government staff that suck up millions of wasted dollars contributing nothing to no one. Stop the senseless and meaningless surveys that everyone with common sense already knows the answer. These are only a few examples of money wasted that could be used to staff and build more medical facilities.
The government doesn't seem to get it that the population is getting older and there are going to be more and more folks with chronic conditions that need compassionate and timely medical care. I didn't even know I was developing osteo-arthritis until it began to hurt. Even then I was ignored and brushed off until the pain became so bad I could hardly walk. Why was I ignored? There is something wrong with a world that needs blood, guts and gore in order to give responsive attention. Maybe I should have thrown myself off a bridge so, I could get a doctor to listen?
This has gone on long enough! When I finally get the surgery and I'm feeling strong again, I may just get militant about all the money wasted by our government officials while thousands upon thousands of us lowly taxpayers suffer in silence.
I remember when I was young and pregnant. Toward the end of the nine months I felt so heavy and uncomfortable in my body that I thought it might drive me mad. That lasted only 2 or 3 months and it wasn't painful, just very uncomfortable. If I'd only known how easy that was compared to now, I wouldn't have complained. It is all relative.
I am sure there are states of being even worse than I feel now; I just hope they are very brief because living with pain that is constant and unending is hard to describe. Imagine having a toothache for two years that flairs up into worse pain at least once and usually twice a day? Imagine trying to sleep with this pain? Or function normally? Try putting on a happy face before family and friends because you don't want to be a constant burden to them and there is nothing they can do anyway. It is a tough act to carry off.
The worst of it all has to be the lack of compassion you receive from the medical profession. It isn't an emergency so, no one seems to care. What have we come to as a society when we seem unable to respond with concern to a chronic problem? There are millions of folks just like me who live in incessant pain, but aren't bleeding to death or suffering a severe trauma. It seems we can wait at the bottom of the list for medical care.
I am so tired of hearing about long wait lines, lack of surgeons, shortage of bed space and no operating rooms. Do something about it! Hire more surgeons, open more hospitals! Quit wasting money on deco art and trips to the Caribbean! Get rid of superfluous government staff that suck up millions of wasted dollars contributing nothing to no one. Stop the senseless and meaningless surveys that everyone with common sense already knows the answer. These are only a few examples of money wasted that could be used to staff and build more medical facilities.
The government doesn't seem to get it that the population is getting older and there are going to be more and more folks with chronic conditions that need compassionate and timely medical care. I didn't even know I was developing osteo-arthritis until it began to hurt. Even then I was ignored and brushed off until the pain became so bad I could hardly walk. Why was I ignored? There is something wrong with a world that needs blood, guts and gore in order to give responsive attention. Maybe I should have thrown myself off a bridge so, I could get a doctor to listen?
This has gone on long enough! When I finally get the surgery and I'm feeling strong again, I may just get militant about all the money wasted by our government officials while thousands upon thousands of us lowly taxpayers suffer in silence.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Ryan & Tatum
Ryan is painted as the "bad" guy, but I feel he really does want to restore their relationship despite his frustrations with Tatum. She is the distressed victim who endured years of brutality from her father. But I wonder if anything in real life is that black & white?
I know from my own life that perception can be utterly different between two people. I believe there is much of this going on between Tatum and Ryan. For instance, I remember having profound issues with my mother about specific incidences that happened in my life; issues that she saw totally unlike my memories. How was it possible that she saw it so differently? I could never make her fully grasp my point of view on what happened or how it made me feel. All we did was frustrate and anger each other whenever I wanted to discuss it.
After many tears and much prayer, God revealed to me that our recollections were poles apart and just as I remembered my way, Mom remembered hers. It was what it was and nothing could be gained by our tug-a-war except more hard feelings. I realized that seeking the "Big Apology" from Mom was never going to happen because she couldn't see any wrongdoing with her actions. I either let it go and forgave her or walked away from our relationship. I chose the former because despite it all, I loved her and wanted her in my life. It was then that I began to heal.
I don't know if my way is what Tatum needs to do; I'm not a professional, but I believe we can't change anyone. Until they realize the need to change we have the choice to leave or remain, stay in pain or heal. Forgiveness is not contingent on the perpetrator changing or deserving it. Maybe Tatum needs to just forgive her dad and begin to heal. Just saying...
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Born out of Trouble
"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where
you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are
born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have
received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be
content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into
your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."
Read this again...I'll wait.
Peace within, wouldn't that be awesome? Isn't that a gift most of us lack? What does it mean to have peace within? How do we get there from the chaos and discord within and without us? The answer lies in the rest of the quote...
Regardless of our spiritual beliefs it is important to KNOW that we are where we are suppose to be at this time, in this place. There are no accidents when it refers to our destiny. This is so easy to accept when everything is in perfect harmony, but what of great turmoil and confusion? How can we then accept that this is where we need to be? Surely this type of madness is created by a mistake of some sort and not sorely intended? But what if I were to suggest that even if our misfortune could be traced back to some lunatic thing that happened by our hand or another, that it was intended and necessary to our journey?
The next two lines describe why dark times happen and what they do for us. If our difficulties are tough enough we won't easily forget them or the lessons learned. Aside from our spiritual faith growing, we learn to have faith in ourselves and others, realizing the sum of our true potential when we triumph. Out of every conquered trial we are given gifts of divine wisdom and compassion that can be shared with others. The love shown us can be passed on and in the same way we can love ourselves; flawed and all.
True freedom is born out of troubles; it is often a hard won battle, but necessary and worthwhile. Trials are meant to show us our need for faith, compassion and love for ourselves as well has others. In order to have the life we are meant to live, we must accept trials gracefully, as a requirement to birth peace.
Read the quote again...I'll wait.
I'm having troubles with others wanting to leave comments for me so, if you have trouble and would like to comment, please email me at nelson@telusplanet.net. I really do want to hear from you and love any comments.
you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are
born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have
received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be
content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into
your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."
Read this again...I'll wait.
Peace within, wouldn't that be awesome? Isn't that a gift most of us lack? What does it mean to have peace within? How do we get there from the chaos and discord within and without us? The answer lies in the rest of the quote...
Regardless of our spiritual beliefs it is important to KNOW that we are where we are suppose to be at this time, in this place. There are no accidents when it refers to our destiny. This is so easy to accept when everything is in perfect harmony, but what of great turmoil and confusion? How can we then accept that this is where we need to be? Surely this type of madness is created by a mistake of some sort and not sorely intended? But what if I were to suggest that even if our misfortune could be traced back to some lunatic thing that happened by our hand or another, that it was intended and necessary to our journey?
The next two lines describe why dark times happen and what they do for us. If our difficulties are tough enough we won't easily forget them or the lessons learned. Aside from our spiritual faith growing, we learn to have faith in ourselves and others, realizing the sum of our true potential when we triumph. Out of every conquered trial we are given gifts of divine wisdom and compassion that can be shared with others. The love shown us can be passed on and in the same way we can love ourselves; flawed and all.
True freedom is born out of troubles; it is often a hard won battle, but necessary and worthwhile. Trials are meant to show us our need for faith, compassion and love for ourselves as well has others. In order to have the life we are meant to live, we must accept trials gracefully, as a requirement to birth peace.
Read the quote again...I'll wait.
I'm having troubles with others wanting to leave comments for me so, if you have trouble and would like to comment, please email me at nelson@telusplanet.net. I really do want to hear from you and love any comments.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Woman writes own Obituary
Here is part of an obit written by an frustrated overweight Nova Scotia lady that she posted online to express her anger at the long wait for weight loss surgery. She is currently on a 10-year wait list for bariatric surgery which decreases the size of the stomach.
On Dr. Yoni Freedhoff's blog, weightymatters.ca, she wrote, "We are sad to inform you of the untimely passing of a young mother, sister, daughter and friend. She died at a young age due to complications with obesity that she fought for years to overcome. Lillian suffered many years with asthma, severe high blood pressure, pain due to stress on her joints from her weight and in the last while was diagnosed with sleep apnea and diabetes."
I don't know how heavy this gal is or how long she has tried to lose weight or what weight loss methods she's used, but I do wonder why the wait list is 10 years long? Why are there so many obese folks in a small province like Nova Scotia, that surgeons can't keep up? What is going on with people? Why are we getting so overweight that we can't lose the extra baggage on our own?
If her weight is so life-threatening, why can't this Nova Scotia woman just quit eating so much and start exercising so she can live longer? Surely, she hasn't really tried very hard? After all, everyone knows fat people are just lazy. Right? Well...
There was a time I absolutely didn't believe obesity was a "real" disease or disorder. I figured the solution was easy and obvious; just quit stuffing your face so full of food! Viola! Problem solved! But then I saw how my own sister struggled to keep her weight under control and realized that there was more to this problem than my simplistic and insensitive viewpoint.
My sister's problem began in childhood when thoughtless parents ridiculed her for being pudgy. By pudgy, I mean a mere 10 or 15 pounds overweight. Suffering rude comments like; "Give her a shovel, the fork is too small" or "She's got a ass on her like a forty dollar steer" did nothing for my sister's self-esteem. These embarrassing comments were intended to cause her to eat less out of humiliation, but in fact, caused her to seek solace in food. The very thing that was causing her to gain weight became her best friend. Funny how our mind works...
To make a long story short, what was a small childhood problem that my sister would likely have outgrown, became a lifelong battle. The emotional scarring became permanent and so firmly entrenched that all the diets and exercise programs in the world didn't work.
She had great success at times with diet and exercise losing at one point a whopping 130 pounds! The problem was that she regained most of this weight as time passed. All her efforts and desperation drove her to try more and more crazy diets in hopes of winning the battle of the bulge. She tried diets that were potentially more harmful to her health than the extra weight.
Many people who have weight problems have greater emotional issues that need to be addressed in order to heal from the inside out. I don't know the history or story of the lady from Nova Scotia who has come to rely on an operation to lose weight. I do know she sees it has a last hope or she wouldn't have written the faux obit. Perhaps she's tried everything including psychological help, without success.
I do know that being obese isn't just life-threatening, it is also, life-altering. We need to begin viewing people with weight issues with more empathy and compassion. As with all addictions, food provides an escape from pain. Most of these people know their addiction is killing them, but like the heroin addict they are helpless to help themselves. Obesity is a complicated disease that involves the whole of us; mind, body, spirit. I don't believe diets, surgery, pills or exercise can end the brutal cycle of loss and gain until we start treating every aspect of the individual.
I pray God is able to show this lady from Nova Scotia an alternative way to overcome her weight issues. If she can heal the reasons that she overeats then she won't need the surgery.
" He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds." Psalms 147:3
On Dr. Yoni Freedhoff's blog, weightymatters.ca, she wrote, "We are sad to inform you of the untimely passing of a young mother, sister, daughter and friend. She died at a young age due to complications with obesity that she fought for years to overcome. Lillian suffered many years with asthma, severe high blood pressure, pain due to stress on her joints from her weight and in the last while was diagnosed with sleep apnea and diabetes."
I don't know how heavy this gal is or how long she has tried to lose weight or what weight loss methods she's used, but I do wonder why the wait list is 10 years long? Why are there so many obese folks in a small province like Nova Scotia, that surgeons can't keep up? What is going on with people? Why are we getting so overweight that we can't lose the extra baggage on our own?
If her weight is so life-threatening, why can't this Nova Scotia woman just quit eating so much and start exercising so she can live longer? Surely, she hasn't really tried very hard? After all, everyone knows fat people are just lazy. Right? Well...
There was a time I absolutely didn't believe obesity was a "real" disease or disorder. I figured the solution was easy and obvious; just quit stuffing your face so full of food! Viola! Problem solved! But then I saw how my own sister struggled to keep her weight under control and realized that there was more to this problem than my simplistic and insensitive viewpoint.
My sister's problem began in childhood when thoughtless parents ridiculed her for being pudgy. By pudgy, I mean a mere 10 or 15 pounds overweight. Suffering rude comments like; "Give her a shovel, the fork is too small" or "She's got a ass on her like a forty dollar steer" did nothing for my sister's self-esteem. These embarrassing comments were intended to cause her to eat less out of humiliation, but in fact, caused her to seek solace in food. The very thing that was causing her to gain weight became her best friend. Funny how our mind works...
To make a long story short, what was a small childhood problem that my sister would likely have outgrown, became a lifelong battle. The emotional scarring became permanent and so firmly entrenched that all the diets and exercise programs in the world didn't work.
She had great success at times with diet and exercise losing at one point a whopping 130 pounds! The problem was that she regained most of this weight as time passed. All her efforts and desperation drove her to try more and more crazy diets in hopes of winning the battle of the bulge. She tried diets that were potentially more harmful to her health than the extra weight.
Many people who have weight problems have greater emotional issues that need to be addressed in order to heal from the inside out. I don't know the history or story of the lady from Nova Scotia who has come to rely on an operation to lose weight. I do know she sees it has a last hope or she wouldn't have written the faux obit. Perhaps she's tried everything including psychological help, without success.
I do know that being obese isn't just life-threatening, it is also, life-altering. We need to begin viewing people with weight issues with more empathy and compassion. As with all addictions, food provides an escape from pain. Most of these people know their addiction is killing them, but like the heroin addict they are helpless to help themselves. Obesity is a complicated disease that involves the whole of us; mind, body, spirit. I don't believe diets, surgery, pills or exercise can end the brutal cycle of loss and gain until we start treating every aspect of the individual.
I pray God is able to show this lady from Nova Scotia an alternative way to overcome her weight issues. If she can heal the reasons that she overeats then she won't need the surgery.
" He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds." Psalms 147:3
Friday, August 5, 2011
Today's Standard of Fame
Well, what do you think of Lady Ga Ga's demonstration? How about putting this dress in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Supposedly it was her way of making a statement against treating others (particularly homosexuals) like a piece of meat. Huh???
Okay, I get that she is pro-homosexual and doesn't feel they are treated fairly as human beings. I agree that no one deserves to be treated with any type of prejudice regardless of color, race or sexual preference. We are all God's children and He loves us regardless of our wayward ways and we should try to show that same level of love to others. If we did, this world would be a much kinder place.
However, love doesn't necessarily mean approval and although I think Lady Ga Ga is remarkably talented, I just can't love or approve of her replusive stunt. Couldn't she have used a more tasteful way to make her proclamation against hatred? But the whole point was to be shocking. Right? Yea, that's the way of today's younger generation...to be shocking.
Lady Ga Ga could've tried really being different and have done something less tacky. Surely, such an incredibly creative lady could've expressed her opinion without draping her body in prime cuts of meat? This stunt was bizarre to say the least.
She goes out of her way to be outlandish and outrageous. However, she isn't the first rock star (Madonna, Ozzy, Alice Cooper) to push the envelope and she won't be the last. My problem with this behavior, is that in order to outdo their predecessors, today's new stars must do exploits that are wilder and weirder. Where will this all end?
I'm really not a prude... afterall, I grew up in the seventies, but surely I'm not alone in thinking enough is enough. These PR stunts are getting far too disturbing; all in an effort to be unique and distinctive. What would really be DIFFERENT would be if today's young stars did showcases based simply on showing off their amazing talent.
Now THAT would be totally shocking!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The Healing Code
Alexander Loyd is a born again christian who received this revelation from God or so, he states. It is a six minute healing method done three times per day that restores health to whatever our life issue may be. The biggest claim is that it heals at the source of our pain which predictably lies in the core of our subconscious; the part of our mind which lies beneath our awareness.
This code doesn't involve any drugs, treatments or physical manipulations. It is simply a series of hand motions over specific upper body areas that supposedly creates a positive and healing outcome if applied properly. It almost seems too simple which is the crux of my uneasiness; I come from the school of thought that if something is too easy it must be bogus. Right? Well... not necessarily.
The book discusses in detail cellular memory and it's affect on our health. Stevan Thayer, founder of Integrated Energy Therapy defines cellular memory as; "Every cell in our body has the ability…to remember. Our Cellular Memory can store the memory of physical trauma like accidents, cuts, bruises, surgeries, or abuse; emotional trauma like heartache, fear, built and anger; and mental trauma that manifests in low self-esteem, unworthiness, worry, etc. When trauma is suppressed into the cellular memory, that energy can get stuck. The problem with suppressed cellular memory is not only does it limit our ability to live freely and joyfully in life but it can also support the body in developing physical illness."
This definition is perhaps the best description of the cellular process and Mr. Loyd asserts that he was given the codes to heal the damaging memories that are harming our lives, even if we're not aware of them. I have a couple of problems with this method aside my issues about simplicity.
Cellular memory can't be measured like we measure brainwaves, heartbeats, etc. Without measurement we are left mostly with results and even these can't be quantified. If someone states the healing code didn't work for them, there could be many reasons why the codes didn't work. Did the subject do them properly and consistently? Did he/she resist mentally or emotionally?
This type of healing method is just too subjective to prove. It is similar to trying to prove the existence of God. This leaves me wondering if Mr. Loyd is genuine or just trying to sell a book that he is assured will be gulped up by the masses of unhappy and ill folks that are desperate for healing?
The fact that his website offers more intensive and instructive help for a considerably high price (around $800.00) doesn't ease my uneasiness about Mr. Loyd's true intentions. I realize he'd have to charge something for this extra help, but 800 buckaroos seems very excessive for a man who claims this all came from God free of charge.
Shouldn't a godly man who possesses the key too restoring physical, emotional and spiritual health be keen to get this miracle to as many folks has possible? Wouldn't donations made by grateful recipients cover any and all costs? If this truly came from God; wouldn't God take care of business? Do you see my issue with this? Do you agree?
I would love to heal my life issues, especially those that are unconscious, with such ease. It truly would feel like a miracle. I am even willing to give it a whirl. If I don't meet with success (Mr. Loyd requests his readers to inform him of their experience) and I end up having to shell out 800 dollars because my issues "need special attention", then I will be convinced it is all just a seedy way to get rich quick and God has no part in it.
The only way to find out if this is a fraud is to go forth with it. I will let my readers know how it goes. In the meantime, let me know your thoughts, objections or impressions. I believe the world is full of God's miracles and He is ready to heal each and everyone of us. Is the "Healing Code" one of His methods? Did Mr. Loyd truly get inspired? I hope so...
Sunday, July 31, 2011
A Brick Wall
I attended church today and the entire experience was extremely eye-opening and disturbing. It caused me to truly reflect on where I am at this time in my life and be absolutely honest about my behaviors and attitudes. I wasn't especially pleased with myself.
To provide some short back story I need to go back 3 years to when I initially hurt my back at work. I was able to work through the pain for almost a year, but finally in 2009, I had to go on disability. It was very difficult emotionally to accept the diagnosis that my back was badly injured and I may never be able to return to work.
As the pain worsened and my wait time for surgery seemed to take forever, my emotional and physical state deteriorated. I tried hard to maintain my faith and keep an upbeat attitude, but in truth I've been losing the battle. It would be safe to say I have felt defeated and depressed much of the time.
Although understandable and even, excusable, I have complained and whined repeatedly to God and my prayers have become very self-serving and self-centered. I knew that this was happening to me, but until I attended church this week, I justified my attitude and behavior as "only reasonable" given my circumstances. Then, God hit me with a brick wall.
I serve a kind and merciful God, so He has been whispering and showing me for quite awhile that my selfishness was hurting me more than my back condition. In His compassion, God wanted me to wake up and take control of my attitude, actions and ultimately my life. I resisted because I felt unfairly treated and my prayers were not being answered in the way I desired. How could God ask me to care about others when I was suffering so much? I conveniently ignored how Jesus suffered for me, because of me. Until church...
The first slam was when a woman with her family came for the service and gave witness and glory to God for allowing her more time to live. The miracle of a new drug that slowed the advancement of the lung cancer that was killing her. It was an answer to prayer for her and all she had asked was the opportunity to receive more time with her family. Up until this drug discovery, the spread of cancer had been rapid and vicious. She was so happy she almost glowed. I felt like the heel I deserved to feel. How could I be so ungrateful and bitter when except for an injured back, my life wasn't threatened or in any peril?
The second sting to my poor, self-serving ego was the sermon itself. It was about the first century Christians and how they prayed. They prayed with boldness and vision to help the world and asked God to continue leading them with increased boldness and sensitivity to the needs of others. Not much like my prayers which were primarily selfish, whining and totally one-sided.
Boldness! How could I boldly ask God to use me? He may ask me to think outside my little box and pray in larger terms than just my own needs. (Except, of course, the token family and friend prayers, so I could get back to my requests without guilt.) This sermon seemed harsh and hard-hitting. I felt the twinge of guilt surfacing and I couldn't find any excuse to justify myself; especially after that dear lady"s testimony.
Both incidences have filled me with such guilt and remorse for having wasted such valuable time attending a pity party for 2 years. How could I've ignored all the subtle messages God gave me? How could I be so blind? Well, it may have taken a brick wall, but I couldn't ignore the message any longer.
Although I do need some time to process all the rush of emotions I'm feeling, I did take the plunge and ask for God's forgiveness and His guidance in being a true, first century christian and practice what I preach. It will be a journey, but if I give myself whole-hearted to God, I may glow one day myself.
Amen to that!
To provide some short back story I need to go back 3 years to when I initially hurt my back at work. I was able to work through the pain for almost a year, but finally in 2009, I had to go on disability. It was very difficult emotionally to accept the diagnosis that my back was badly injured and I may never be able to return to work.
As the pain worsened and my wait time for surgery seemed to take forever, my emotional and physical state deteriorated. I tried hard to maintain my faith and keep an upbeat attitude, but in truth I've been losing the battle. It would be safe to say I have felt defeated and depressed much of the time.
Although understandable and even, excusable, I have complained and whined repeatedly to God and my prayers have become very self-serving and self-centered. I knew that this was happening to me, but until I attended church this week, I justified my attitude and behavior as "only reasonable" given my circumstances. Then, God hit me with a brick wall.
I serve a kind and merciful God, so He has been whispering and showing me for quite awhile that my selfishness was hurting me more than my back condition. In His compassion, God wanted me to wake up and take control of my attitude, actions and ultimately my life. I resisted because I felt unfairly treated and my prayers were not being answered in the way I desired. How could God ask me to care about others when I was suffering so much? I conveniently ignored how Jesus suffered for me, because of me. Until church...
The first slam was when a woman with her family came for the service and gave witness and glory to God for allowing her more time to live. The miracle of a new drug that slowed the advancement of the lung cancer that was killing her. It was an answer to prayer for her and all she had asked was the opportunity to receive more time with her family. Up until this drug discovery, the spread of cancer had been rapid and vicious. She was so happy she almost glowed. I felt like the heel I deserved to feel. How could I be so ungrateful and bitter when except for an injured back, my life wasn't threatened or in any peril?
The second sting to my poor, self-serving ego was the sermon itself. It was about the first century Christians and how they prayed. They prayed with boldness and vision to help the world and asked God to continue leading them with increased boldness and sensitivity to the needs of others. Not much like my prayers which were primarily selfish, whining and totally one-sided.
Boldness! How could I boldly ask God to use me? He may ask me to think outside my little box and pray in larger terms than just my own needs. (Except, of course, the token family and friend prayers, so I could get back to my requests without guilt.) This sermon seemed harsh and hard-hitting. I felt the twinge of guilt surfacing and I couldn't find any excuse to justify myself; especially after that dear lady"s testimony.
Both incidences have filled me with such guilt and remorse for having wasted such valuable time attending a pity party for 2 years. How could I've ignored all the subtle messages God gave me? How could I be so blind? Well, it may have taken a brick wall, but I couldn't ignore the message any longer.
Although I do need some time to process all the rush of emotions I'm feeling, I did take the plunge and ask for God's forgiveness and His guidance in being a true, first century christian and practice what I preach. It will be a journey, but if I give myself whole-hearted to God, I may glow one day myself.
Amen to that!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Better than a Rest
If you've read my blog before you will notice that I have changed the overall look of it. Why? Well, I'd like to say I did it for ingeniously, inspired reasons, but in truth I was just bored with the old look and wanted something new.
I have had and probably always will have; a short attention span. Today,I believe, it's called Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD. I guess my way could be SAS or perhaps, ASS for Attention Sadly Sucks! Whatever... I wanted something fresh and new!
Part of the reason I wanted a new look is that I am going to attempt to take my blogging pastime to a new level. I would like to build up a regular audience and offer what I hope will be more attention-grabbing and appealing text.
This, of course, will demand a real commitment from me and with having SAS or ASS could be a real challenge! But, I am going to give it a honest-to-goodness, grassroots try. I know the secret to any success lies in the willingness to stay with it and give it your best. So...here goes nothing. I will give it my best and hope for the best.
So, if you happen to stumble upon this blog and it piques your curiosity please feel free to come back and see where this takes us. I believe that deep down at the very core of each of us is a wondering about the fundamental meaning of life. I don't promise any answers, but perhaps, I might be able to spark some discussion which, may lead myself or you to some alternative notions. Or maybe we'll just confuse ourselves more...who knows?
Here's hoping to hear from you soon!
I have had and probably always will have; a short attention span. Today,I believe, it's called Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD. I guess my way could be SAS or perhaps, ASS for Attention Sadly Sucks! Whatever... I wanted something fresh and new!
Part of the reason I wanted a new look is that I am going to attempt to take my blogging pastime to a new level. I would like to build up a regular audience and offer what I hope will be more attention-grabbing and appealing text.
This, of course, will demand a real commitment from me and with having SAS or ASS could be a real challenge! But, I am going to give it a honest-to-goodness, grassroots try. I know the secret to any success lies in the willingness to stay with it and give it your best. So...here goes nothing. I will give it my best and hope for the best.
So, if you happen to stumble upon this blog and it piques your curiosity please feel free to come back and see where this takes us. I believe that deep down at the very core of each of us is a wondering about the fundamental meaning of life. I don't promise any answers, but perhaps, I might be able to spark some discussion which, may lead myself or you to some alternative notions. Or maybe we'll just confuse ourselves more...who knows?
Here's hoping to hear from you soon!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Rolling with Change
Have you ever had a time when your life was undergoing a major change and you have NO idea on the outcome? If you're over the age of 20 you've had this happen on some level whether it's going off to college, moving away, starting a new job or getting married. Life is about change; nothing remains static, but does it ever get any EASIER?
Apparently not! Here I am in my mid-fifties and our life is about to take a major turn. It isn't necessary to go into the gory details because what concerns me isn't what the change is, but rather how my hubby and I are going to adapt to it.
Up until 2 years ago, I'd grown complacent about our life journey and it's outcome. I had a plan that would take me to retirement and then another plan that would carry us through retirement. It was nothing earth-shattering and I fully expected it would move along with few hitches on the way. Boy, was I wrong!
We've had our share of life's upsets and surprises. Each time we've been faithful and adapted to the changes, but this time I feel so much more vulnerable. Part of it is my physical condition. Having a disability and being in constant pain makes adapting very difficult. I haven't even adjusted to the idea that I may never be able to go back to my old job. More change just feels overwhelming and I have to admit to feeling a lack of faithfulness in the outcome.
But then my rational mind kicks in and I realize life offers no warranties at any time. Just because I had a plan doesn't mean it will see fruition. Change is necessary for growth and no doubt these changes we're undergoing are happening because we need growth. I need to do what I've always done in the past; trust that God is in the middle of these changes and He is enough.
It seems change is a constant and necessary part of life and depending how we roll with it makes it easier or harder. I may feel overwhelmed by all the changes we are undergoing, but I can choose to rest in the knowledge there is someone at the helm or I can try to take over. These are my choices. Resting seems the easier approach so, that's how I'll choose to roll.
Apparently not! Here I am in my mid-fifties and our life is about to take a major turn. It isn't necessary to go into the gory details because what concerns me isn't what the change is, but rather how my hubby and I are going to adapt to it.
Up until 2 years ago, I'd grown complacent about our life journey and it's outcome. I had a plan that would take me to retirement and then another plan that would carry us through retirement. It was nothing earth-shattering and I fully expected it would move along with few hitches on the way. Boy, was I wrong!
We've had our share of life's upsets and surprises. Each time we've been faithful and adapted to the changes, but this time I feel so much more vulnerable. Part of it is my physical condition. Having a disability and being in constant pain makes adapting very difficult. I haven't even adjusted to the idea that I may never be able to go back to my old job. More change just feels overwhelming and I have to admit to feeling a lack of faithfulness in the outcome.
But then my rational mind kicks in and I realize life offers no warranties at any time. Just because I had a plan doesn't mean it will see fruition. Change is necessary for growth and no doubt these changes we're undergoing are happening because we need growth. I need to do what I've always done in the past; trust that God is in the middle of these changes and He is enough.
It seems change is a constant and necessary part of life and depending how we roll with it makes it easier or harder. I may feel overwhelmed by all the changes we are undergoing, but I can choose to rest in the knowledge there is someone at the helm or I can try to take over. These are my choices. Resting seems the easier approach so, that's how I'll choose to roll.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Update
Just a brief post to fill you in on how my exercising is going. I was Steady Eddy last week and managed to do my `thang` every day. It was PAINFUL, but I must admit I did feel somewhat better afterward. I mostly noticed my energy levels immediately jumped up a notch or two. So I went from coma level to semi-conscious! Yea!
Sadly I missed 3 days in a row and now feel like I`m starting over. DRAT!! Why does it take so little to lose all you`ve gained. So, after a short pause, I`ll dive back in and will not get defeated! Big talk, eh.
Nevertheless, I found several new exercises on a spine rehab website that may be beneficial (assuming they don`t kill me in the process!). It mixes things up and hopefully helps keep me going. It isn`t easy to find just the right kind of exercises that will get me fit, but won`t exacerbate the back injury.
More importantly is discovering a way to keep mentally fit. Trust me when you hurt like HE double hockey sticks BEFORE you even start exercising and you know it`s going to hurt even more during the session; the temptation is to crawl back into bed! The mental effort may exceed the physical. Still I`m determined to find a way to live well with this disability, painful or not. So, I`ll sign off with a cheery ``later alligator,after awhile crocodile``!!
Pain is no evil unless it conquers us.
George Eliot
Sadly I missed 3 days in a row and now feel like I`m starting over. DRAT!! Why does it take so little to lose all you`ve gained. So, after a short pause, I`ll dive back in and will not get defeated! Big talk, eh.
Nevertheless, I found several new exercises on a spine rehab website that may be beneficial (assuming they don`t kill me in the process!). It mixes things up and hopefully helps keep me going. It isn`t easy to find just the right kind of exercises that will get me fit, but won`t exacerbate the back injury.
More importantly is discovering a way to keep mentally fit. Trust me when you hurt like HE double hockey sticks BEFORE you even start exercising and you know it`s going to hurt even more during the session; the temptation is to crawl back into bed! The mental effort may exceed the physical. Still I`m determined to find a way to live well with this disability, painful or not. So, I`ll sign off with a cheery ``later alligator,after awhile crocodile``!!
Pain is no evil unless it conquers us.
George Eliot
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The Plan
I exercised yesterday. Well, at least I tried, but having a back injury isn't exactly conductive to exercising. I didn't jump (not that I could jump) into this willy-nilly; I did research on what types of exercises someone like me (over 50 and crippled) could do. I'd hoped my research would discover that all the professionals would recommend rest, lots and lots of rest. Sadly, it seems exercise is just about the finest thing one can do for just about any back injury. Imagine that!
So, thus armed with all this information I developed a quasi professional exercise plan that supposedly will lessen my pain in the long run. It definitely must be in the "long run" because it hurt like HE - double hockey sticks!! It involves a series of stretching, flexibility training and core building.
For those of you who have been under a rock I'd like to inform you that core building is the quintessential exercise. It is the basis behind a strong back. The core or abdominal muscles ( both external and internal) support the back so, if you build a strong core, viola', you get a strong back! If you have a strong back all other exercises are easier and you're unlikely to ever injure your back. So, I take it that I didn't have a strong core prior to injuring my back?? So, tell me if I'm wrong here...but, building a strong core now seems a little like closing the barn doors AFTER the horse got out!!
Nope. The professionals all agree that core building even after a back injury can aid the return to "reasonable" health. What "reasonable health" means to my back, only time will tell. So, core building it is. For you younger gals, I'd suggest you seriously consider doing your core building NOW rather than wait until you're a half century old!
The "Plan" is to do these exercises every morning for a couple of weeks then add some cardio via the stationary bike, swimming or walking. Although I'd love to walk, currently it's far too difficult and I need to use a walker so, I'll have to bike or swim until I get stronger or pain-free enough to walk. My daughters don't know this yet, but I intend to involve them in my little swimming venture.
I've only exercised one day and I have never been one of those exercise nuts; you know the ones who get that glazed look when they talk about getting in the "zone". The only zone I'm truly interested in is the handicap one by Dairy Queen, but I digress... So, I will have to give myself a daily pep talk before I dig out my mat and start sweating to the "oldies"!
In the interest of feeling better so, I can pursue my Eden, I guess I must might the bullet and build a strong core. Yesterday was a start and hopefully I can continue to face adding pain to the pain until that day when I can proclaim, "Exercise is the BEST thing I could ever do for a back injury!" Yea!
So, thus armed with all this information I developed a quasi professional exercise plan that supposedly will lessen my pain in the long run. It definitely must be in the "long run" because it hurt like HE - double hockey sticks!! It involves a series of stretching, flexibility training and core building.
For those of you who have been under a rock I'd like to inform you that core building is the quintessential exercise. It is the basis behind a strong back. The core or abdominal muscles ( both external and internal) support the back so, if you build a strong core, viola', you get a strong back! If you have a strong back all other exercises are easier and you're unlikely to ever injure your back. So, I take it that I didn't have a strong core prior to injuring my back?? So, tell me if I'm wrong here...but, building a strong core now seems a little like closing the barn doors AFTER the horse got out!!
Nope. The professionals all agree that core building even after a back injury can aid the return to "reasonable" health. What "reasonable health" means to my back, only time will tell. So, core building it is. For you younger gals, I'd suggest you seriously consider doing your core building NOW rather than wait until you're a half century old!
The "Plan" is to do these exercises every morning for a couple of weeks then add some cardio via the stationary bike, swimming or walking. Although I'd love to walk, currently it's far too difficult and I need to use a walker so, I'll have to bike or swim until I get stronger or pain-free enough to walk. My daughters don't know this yet, but I intend to involve them in my little swimming venture.
I've only exercised one day and I have never been one of those exercise nuts; you know the ones who get that glazed look when they talk about getting in the "zone". The only zone I'm truly interested in is the handicap one by Dairy Queen, but I digress... So, I will have to give myself a daily pep talk before I dig out my mat and start sweating to the "oldies"!
In the interest of feeling better so, I can pursue my Eden, I guess I must might the bullet and build a strong core. Yesterday was a start and hopefully I can continue to face adding pain to the pain until that day when I can proclaim, "Exercise is the BEST thing I could ever do for a back injury!" Yea!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Start Today!
I have lived over half a century. Wow! Even I can't believe it when I say it, but somehow the years slipped by and here I am in 2011 and have most likely lived at least two thirds of my life.
It's humbling to think in those terms. I was one of those young people who made the mistake of thinking I had lots of time. I lived recklessly thinking one day I would take better care of myself, save for the future, pursue dreams and in general, do more with my life. One day... Well, one day has come and I didn't get ready for it at all. Which is why I've spent the past two years feeling sorry for myself and living in regret. Another devilish lie to help me waste the time I've been given on this earth.
I'm done listening to the lies. The time to do things is now and if you're reading this and are still young enough to be foolish, STOP! Listen to this old broad; there isn't all kinds of time to do whatever you dream about. It will slip away in raising kids, doing laundry, cooking and cleaning. It will escape you while you're mindlessly entertaining yourself with television, video games or gossiping with girlfriends. Do it now, even if it's just small increments. It will add up and when you've reached the half century mark, you can reflect back with satisfaction rather than regret.
If you're an old broad like myself; quit listening to the lies that it's too late, why bother or you're too old. The time lost is lost, but God can bless our mess if we'll just step up and start living our dreams now! Start believing in yourself and stop wasting time. Maybe you may never have the fullness of what it might have been, but there is still time to do something.
So today is my day to start doing what I should have done 20 or 30 years ago. Who knows what this Grandma might accomplish with God's blessing? Whatever comes of living now will be better than continuing to live in regret. Regrets are for the foolish and unwise. It doesn't matter if you're 30, 50 or 75. Whatever it is you've thought you will do "one day", start today. Whatever comes of it is better than wishing on your death bed that you'd stopped wasting your life and letting time slip away with dreams and goals left unforfilled.
I will let my dear readers (I hope you are out there...) in on my progress as I start pursuing my Eden. No more regrets. No more believing the lies. This old broad is going to rock and roll....
It's humbling to think in those terms. I was one of those young people who made the mistake of thinking I had lots of time. I lived recklessly thinking one day I would take better care of myself, save for the future, pursue dreams and in general, do more with my life. One day... Well, one day has come and I didn't get ready for it at all. Which is why I've spent the past two years feeling sorry for myself and living in regret. Another devilish lie to help me waste the time I've been given on this earth.
I'm done listening to the lies. The time to do things is now and if you're reading this and are still young enough to be foolish, STOP! Listen to this old broad; there isn't all kinds of time to do whatever you dream about. It will slip away in raising kids, doing laundry, cooking and cleaning. It will escape you while you're mindlessly entertaining yourself with television, video games or gossiping with girlfriends. Do it now, even if it's just small increments. It will add up and when you've reached the half century mark, you can reflect back with satisfaction rather than regret.
If you're an old broad like myself; quit listening to the lies that it's too late, why bother or you're too old. The time lost is lost, but God can bless our mess if we'll just step up and start living our dreams now! Start believing in yourself and stop wasting time. Maybe you may never have the fullness of what it might have been, but there is still time to do something.
So today is my day to start doing what I should have done 20 or 30 years ago. Who knows what this Grandma might accomplish with God's blessing? Whatever comes of living now will be better than continuing to live in regret. Regrets are for the foolish and unwise. It doesn't matter if you're 30, 50 or 75. Whatever it is you've thought you will do "one day", start today. Whatever comes of it is better than wishing on your death bed that you'd stopped wasting your life and letting time slip away with dreams and goals left unforfilled.
I will let my dear readers (I hope you are out there...) in on my progress as I start pursuing my Eden. No more regrets. No more believing the lies. This old broad is going to rock and roll....
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